by Joan Cartwright, M.A.
 |
This issue is dedicated to the memory of JENNIFER DRAYTON AUSTIN, a young woman who chose the way she would die, despite the wishes of her family and friends. Her story is told by Elissa Silverman. |
Washington City Paper Cover Story:
Natural Causes
A
fter reading this article about Jennifer, I
sent it to some of my cyberfriends because I thought the subject warranted
their attention. I told them that I thought we could work this mutual
problem out. After all, it's something each one of us must deal with. The
discussion is ongoing and makes good copy for this newsletter.
OKOLO: We are mere neophytes fumbling our way through, when we have to deal with death.
FLORENCE: The mere thought of death scares me to death!
JOAN: This is almost funny. I mean people have been dying since YEAR ONE and we still don't know how to deal with it. About three years ago, my spiritual teacher, David Gray, with whom I studied for over 12 years, tried to start a roundtable discussion about death and dying. Of course, the subject fell on mostly deaf ears. I think that humans refuse to talk about things that are inevitable. I believe that death is relief. Life is a real challenge and I don't think that religion has made it any easier to deal with. But that's another subject altogether.
FLORENCE: But, Joan, this is YOUR belief, which admirably and, of course, makes the whole subject easier for you to deal with. You must try to be tolerant and understanding of those of us with different beliefs--as uninformed and ridiculous as they made sound to you--who find the idea and reality of death frightening and unfathomable. Death scares me to death! And I’m almost 70 years old and have seen almost ALL of my older relatives, and many contemporaries die. Each time is like the first time for me. Death is ever mysterious in my book. And Okolo is a YOUNG woman! She's just trying to piece it all together. I didn't expose my children to all that hellfire and brimstone though. (They've made some interesting choices of beliefs, I must say.)
KARMA: Thank you for including me on this discussion. Death of the body is a new life for the spirit. It is one of uncertainty to the material essence that we possess right now, but it is the ultimate inevitability of our soul. Our spirits live on. This is just a pit stop in our evolution and either we get the lessons or we don't (thus lending to the possibility of repeating this dense vibratory state of existence [in the flesh that is) to place it simply. There is no real death. Only life. Peace
DEBRA: Dear Joan: Give me some time to think about this ... however, I do think that we live many times over, and when we get life right, we will be blessed with eternal peace. We will leave our earthly vessels, and our energy will transcend to another plane of sorts. Deep down in my bones, I know I've been here before, and I pray I get it right this time so I wont have to be back. I long to sit around the big table and be at peace. Have a wild and groovy holiday. Pray and work for peace, kindness, and justice.
JOAN: It’s funny, I was raised in the Catholic Church, learning about mortal sin and hell. But when I reached young adulthood, the hypocrisy I saw in the Church led me to study Eastern religions and I found God outside of the Church. Do you know it was even a sin to step foot in a church other than a Catholic Church? What a crock!
MOSS: I GOTTA THINK ABOUT LIVING! NO TIME TO THINK ABOUT DEATH! I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THAT STEADILY FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS. ENOUGH!!!
JOE: I would prefer to be part of a discussion concerning LIVING (oh, shit! Bush won!!!)The next four years will certainly provide us with grit for the grinder!
JOAN: Hmmm, well, I think until you come to terms with death, you really cannot concentrate on living well. I guess my mother's life made me think about this a lot. Love and Light, Joan
OKOLO: Thank you for your email. I want to add some context to my statement:One of the reasons I believe we are neophytes is because many people are uncomfortable talking about death and dying. I, however, am not one of them. Although I am not afraid to discuss it, I was still unprepared for it, for practical reasons; i.e., I think we all stared at Jennifer for a good 10 minutes after her last breath and until I finally broke the silence and asked "why are we still staring? I then took a clean white cloth, wet it and washed her face and hair while trying to close her eyes and mouth. I was very aware that those around me may have been uncomfortable, so I thought that by using the cloth to wipe her face and hair, they would not be left with having to deal with the fact that I was merely closing her eyes and mouth. I don't know if it helped much but it worked. I also neglected to say that I don't believe everyone is a neophyte; just some of us. At any rate, I am more experienced now and I feel honored to have been with Jennifer in her final moments before passing over. I think this is good that we are discussing this. Thanks again.
December 16, 2000
Dear Okolo,
What a thoughtful and, quite frankly, brilliant act you performed. I don’t
believe that any one of us is ever prepared for the demise of another,
whether they are associated with us or not. What I do believe is that we
are attached to one another and physically experience what each other is
experiencing. It is only our view of eternity that allows us to not
succumb to grief. Inherently, we know the soul is eternal. It takes no
doctrine, dogma, priest or preacher to tell us that. Love and light, Joan
MOSS: A second thought - All the times that have concentrated on living well I have had no time to think about death.
Nbpchome: If it is true that death comes when one is completely satisfied, I'm afraid of forced immortality!
Maimouna: I read the story in the City Paper (at least most of it) earlier today while waiting to go into the movie. What a painful rendition of a most painful set of circumstances to her family and her friends. I'm going to finish reading this account before going to bed tonight. It raised so many questions about intervening in a person's life decisions -- see how carefully her family tread -- see how committed to her beliefs Jennifer was to the end. Basically I do believe in each person making her own choices, no matter how difficult it is for the onlookers. SOMETHING was scaring her off the medical establishment -- perhaps her mother's experiences with breast cancer and its return -- who knows. Of course, one would have hoped for a more caring endgame, say, at a hospice if her choice was to deny medical treatment. But this woman wanted to believe in something and would deny everything to hold those beliefs.
-
Should her family have intervened, scooped her up and placed her in a hospice -- away from the people in whom she had put her deepest trust?
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Should they have upset her so dramatically at the end when that was all she had to hang on to in her mind -- that she was getting better?
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What was her pain like, we wonder?
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What was it like as opposed to her beliefs?
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Can anyone truly answer for another?
JOAN: These questions should become the start of a worldwide initiative. In these two days of online discussion I believe we've each learned a lot more than we thought we knew.
Thank you
Beloved Mighty
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FINDING COMMON GROUND
MAIMOUNA: Wow. I'm in total agreement with Joan Cartwright. A person has an absolute right to design, if possible, the circumstances under which she will conduct her life, including her declining, or better yet, her evolving days. While I was writing my comments to you a few minutes ago I had no idea I’d run across someone whose understanding of these matters coincided with mine. One of these days I hope we get a chance to meet Joan in person.
Dear Joan: Thank you. It is so good to know that people are discussing this topic. The journalist, Elissa Silverman, mentioned that it would be helpful if folks responded to the City Paper. I spoke to the editor briefly a couple of days ago and he was very much moved by Jennifer's story as well. Keep it up, this has to be good. Best regards, Okolo Thomas-Toure
Dear Joan: Thank you, so much, for your kind and understanding words, very comforting. I agree that we are very connected. In fact, the day Jennifer died, I knew I had my caretaking shift to deal with at 7:00 PM. I was encouraged to come early so it would "look good" to Jennifer (smile). I was downtown but simply had to go home first because I was so very, very tired. I didn't know why I was tired. My body felt as though I was carrying bricks on my back and legs. I'm not a napper, never have been able to nap during the day but I could barely make it to my bed to rest--something I KNEW I had to do before taking my shift. I phoned ahead to see if there was anything I could pick up from the store on my way and sure enough, there was a small list. I had to literally roll off the side of my bed to get up, put on my shoes, wash my face, jump into the car and make my way to the store to pick up small trash bags and drinking straws (Jennifer had difficulty drinking from cups without a straw).
When I reached the house, I must have spent maybe 15 minutes in the living room waiting for someone else to complete their visit with Jennifer before I was asked to begin my shift. I was shocked to see how much Jennifer's physical appearance had changed. I didn't even know how she was able to keep herself alive. Yet, I sucked it up and smiled brightly when I saw her.
"Hey Girl! How are you doing, sweetie?" Jennifer smiled and sort of nodded her head indicating that she was okay. I told her I was here for my shift so what did she want me to do first. Jennifer said, "I want a hug." I embraced Jennifer. A few minutes later I realized that I was no longer so fatigued. I was told that Jennifer wasn't able to speak much and was using a writing pad for most of the day. However; when I was with her, she never used the pad and remarkably, was able to speak to me clearly. It was kind of strange because when her sister was in and out of the room that day, her sister was unable to understand much of what she was saying and I found myself "translating" or rather, amplifying what Jennifer was trying to communicate.
So, yes, I do believe I was very connected to Jennifer, especially that day. Ironically, Jennifer died on September 1. The exact date of my grandfather's birthday and his wife's (my grandmother's) death. My grandmother also died at age 36. I know there's a connection.
Thank you for allowing me to go on and on. This has been so very, very helpful. Okolo Thomas-Toure
Dear Okolo: The beauty of this is that you have the opportunity to recount your feelings during the time of this experience with Jennifer. Ironically, my mother’s birthday was September 1. It was through my experiences with her, watching her die 3 times, that I came to grips with my thoughts on death. There is a great little book you should read, THE ANGEL OF THE THRESHOLD.
DEAR JOAN:
WHAT A POIGNANT STORY. MY HOPE IS THAT WHEN I TRANSITION IT WILL BE IN THE
ARMS OF ONE WHO REALLY LOVES ME, AND THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO WIPE MY
BROW AND CLOSE MY EYES AND SEND MY SPIRIT OFF WITH MUCH LOVE. THE DEATH
ANGEL HAS VISITED MY WORLD SEVERAL TIMES ON A VERY INTIMATE LEVEL: MY
FATHER, MOTHER, GRANDPARENTS, UNCLE, MOTHER-IN0-LAW, FRIENDS AND A YEAR
AGO MY HUSBAND. NOW THEY ARE MY ANCESTORS, MY GUARDIANS WHO CARE FOR ME ON
THE OTHER SIDE AND I AM AT PEACE FOR I KNOW THAT THE SPIRIT EVER LIVES. BE
BLESSED MY SISTAH, IFE
September 1st? I'm stunned. That's very interesting. Joan, if you don't want to go into this, I understand but I'm curious... do you remember what you believed before your experience with your mother? If so, what changed? Okolo Thomas-Toure
JOAN: OK, actually, I’ve been studying metaphysics since I was 23, so for 30 years. In my studies, I ascertained that life is a test that we participate in. My theory is that eons ago, we made an agreement to participate in an experiment – to see how far we could separate from God. The experiment is over. We failed. It’s time to celebrate!
Interesting take... I think you may be correct. In fact, the just minutes before Jennifer passed over, she told me and her sister that she wanted to get up and sit on my lap. Her sister and I gave each other outer-limits-theme-music glances. Her sister told her, okay, we're trying to figure out how to make that happen. Jennifer said, "don't think, just do... don't treat me like a baby, I can get up myself [I’m paraphrasing]. I believe she was already on the other side because it was clear to us that she was no longer aware of the limitations of her diseased and weakened body. She looked at us as if we were clueless, kind of sucked her teeth at us and tried to get up out of the bed. When she couldn't get up she said let me have some tonic first. She drank a sip of her tonic (that's another story too) and moments later she took her last breath.
Joan,
Thank you so much for your consideration of my feelings. I believe this
dialogue is a good thing and have no objections to having some of the
discussions featured in joan's newsletter. I'm feeling much better than I
was yesterday when all this cropped up again for me. i'm just trying to
understand the best way I can. It's funny, this is the very thing I would
have called Jennifer about and we would have had one of our 3-hour-long
discussions. I think she would be pleased. Thanks again. Okolo
Okolo, How do you know Jennifer is NOT having this conversation with you through me and others? I’m so glad you feel better, lighter, I hope. Joan
Joan, I think Okolo would really appreciate our responding DIRECTLY to City Paper (she must have associations there to have this story so prominently and sensitively presented), in addition to whatever else we may do. Ftate
WASHINGTON CITY PAPER
2390 Champlain St. NW
Washington, DC 20009
Tel: (202) 332-2100
Fax: (202) 332-8500
Email: mail@washcp.com
OKOLO: Yes, it is preferable that responses go to City Paper. City Paper has a tendency to attack, foster negativity, point fingers, etc. This article was very well done and when I asked Elissa how she came to agree to do the story she said that the "family" wanted the story so that folks could know what happened and I believe, to inform folks about Yemi and Hank. The story (I was told by City Paper) was "lawyered" and many statements could not be used else it exposed them to liable suits. They were very careful. I would like to encourage more fair-minded writing from their staff, in addition to letting them know that the article was read, touched people and sparked further conversation.
Thanks much.
Okolo Thomas-Toure
As I suspected. In any case in deference to my own journalistic principles I'd want city papers to get as much first hand reaction to their story as possible. and writing them will indeed further and appropriately reward the inclinations of enterprising and sensitive staff journalists.
the owl
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